I sit back and look at this, my very first literal self portrait, and I am astonished. I was able to paint it without having a single bad thought about myself, which is a testament to how far I’ve come.

Analyzing it, I can see it is a visual reflection of exactly how I feel today. Retracted- avoiding eye contact with the viewer. Convoluted, shady in all the wrong places, and blue. I am feeling wounded, but its a burning that I equate with rebirth. From this hurt can only come a new beginning. I suspect this is the beginning of my moving away; Grander and more difficult things await. I am grateful that my life is shifting in this direction- I lack the courage to bound into the new life I desire on my own. But still… I wish my heart were not so heavy.

It is what keeps my canvas blank, my website empty, my body stationary.

It is why I hesitate. It is why I haven’t answered your earnest email and why I never will. I would apologize but you’ll never even suspect its you I’m writing about. Lets leave it at that.

Tomorrow, I’m just going to start. Looking stupid or doing it badly- even failing-  is probably better than never actually trying.